JOkes 3

It’s the wife’s birthday

Husband: honey, I am sorry i forgot your birthday.

Wife: ok, well if you really love me you will bring me something that will go from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds.

The husband says ok.

The next day

Wife: where is my present?

 Husband: it’s in the driveway.

Wife is excited

she runs out there and looks at the driveway and finds a weight scale

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Her husband had been slipping in and out for a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business fell, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side.”

She just smiled and held his hand.

He then continued, saying “When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck.”

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Teacher: Billy stop, making ugly faces at other students!

Billy: Why, ma’am!

Teacher: Because when i was a child, my parents told me that if i kept making ugly faces my face would stay that way!

Billy: Well, i can see you didn't listen then!

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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. 

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. 

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. 

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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Why do gorillas have huge nostrils?

Because they have huge fingers! 

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

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Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Savior." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"

... The teacher fainted!

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George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the President said. “That’s what we would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, “ Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” asked the President.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a Great Loss…”

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Little Johnny's teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game! The teacher said, "I have something behind my back. It's red in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard."

Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, it's a red rubber ball." The teacher said, "No Johnny, it's an apple, but I like the way that you think."

The teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. "I have something behind my back. It's orange in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard," said Johnny's teacher.

Johnny raised his hand again and said, "Teacher, I know, it's an orange rubber ball." The teacher looked at Johnny and said, "No Johnny, it's an orange, but I like the way that you think."

Johnny was now getting the hang of it so he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnny grabbed an object and put it behind his back and said, "I have something behind my back. It's pink in color and it is long. It's soft, but it's hard."

The teacher, getting upset, yelled at Johnny, "Now Johnny, I'm going to have to tell the principal about this perverted behavior." Johnny stopped her and said, "But, teacher, all I have is my pink eraser - but I like the way you think!"

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A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."

A second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants!"

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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor first putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded; "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

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