Jokes-2

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

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Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard (herd)?
If you don't understand these, use your dictionary and look up the words   "blind," "deaf," "saw," "heard" and "herd."


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A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The railroad engineer replied.
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

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A: "I was born in California."
B: "Which part?"
A: "All of me."

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A: "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
B: "No, I'm sorry I don't."
A: "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left." 

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A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

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There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."

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A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl. 

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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

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A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

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A: Why are you late?
B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
B: No, I was standing on it.

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My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him, "What was the name of his other leg?"
Why is this funny?
It's funny because of the confusion between these two phrases;
"a man with a wooden leg" and "a wooden leg named Smith."

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A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

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